"I'm going home now." She texted him.
"Drive safe." He replied.
She was a her old room mates house. They went out for dinner and a few drinks for the colloquially "catching up". That's what you were supposed to do with friends, right? She had a cigarette, peed, then woke up her friend who had fallen asleep on the couch while they watched cable television. They had come back to her place to smoke. She was surprised that she didn't feel paranoid this time. Maybe she'd pick up the habit again.
"Will do." She responded after she drove away. She felt good. Four beers and a few hits, she thought, tomorrow I'll wake up feeling like a new person.
She was in the far right lane. Irrigation sprinkled on the windshield on the driver's side.
"I love new wipers." She texted.
After a few turns she checked her phone again.
"Is it still raining?"
"No, sprinklers." She responded.
"Yeah, It's amazing the difference it makes."
"It's amazing the difference you've made." She said sweetly.
"I don't wipe your windshields!" He kidded.
They'd gotten along like this for a while. Her life may have been as peaceful as it could be at the moment. She could even say that she was happy. She pulled into the driveway, opened the garage and wondered how long it had been, and how long the contentment would last. She knew that there was a piece of her that was missing. A void she was born with. The emptiness grew more so after the accident. The feeling actually propelled her to fill the space, but how, she hadn't the faintness. She constantly reminded herself of the things she was certain of. She loved him. She wanted to share her life with him. She wanted him to always love her.
She was still young. But there were times in the past where her life only seemed happy. Unfortunately for her that meant that her happiness was at the cost of something. Most children grow up in an atmosphere of positive reinforcement. Praised when they made the honor roll or punished for setting a fire in the back yard. Even though they took the precaution to dig a hole in the earth to contain it. Instead, she had to work for her happy childhood, for the things other children were granted by default for the sole reason that they were children, and even then, if you didn't act exactly like was expected of you the things closest to your heart were taken away. For instance, new clothes were only purchased if you received all A's on your report card, and even still those items of clothing were carefully inspected for quality and had to be age approved. The outcome was that she was never content with her wardrobe growing up. She never had the chance to express herself the way she had wanted. Her social life, her self-esteem, were both to suffer from this. The moment she was old enough to purchase her own clothes, her style was constantly ridiculed. She never looked "nice". She knew it was a waste of time to dwell on such feeble things, but this really was the case with all things.
What was important now was that they had made a positive difference in each others lives. They had grown together in a great way. She knew that they were both better people together than they would be apart. She would have more hatred in her heart. He would be more angry and closed off.
But there was still that something, a little flicker inside of her. Sometimes when she dreamed she saw a glance of it. Came to the realization, the epiphany was euphoric. But whatever it was, it disappeared when she woke. The harder she tried to pull it back, the farther the memory fleeted. She had the dream so many times now that she was convinced she would only truly experience it in reality, in waking life, when she died. When dreams were eternal. For now she would just enjoy the happiness she felt and let herself worry about the rest when need be. She went inside and the first thing she did, the first thing she always did when she came home to him was give him a kiss.
xo Michelle
